I really don't know if I have the self control to ever actually stay on a diet, but I'll try this out. I really need to lose this weight.
I don't think I'll tell Victor, atleast not for a few days, until I see how things are going, I'm just hoping he won't want food tonight after he gets off work, before we see Adam & Ashley. I'll just tell him I ate a big dinner, or actually eat a big dinner. Either way, I really don't want to eat fast food. Blah.
I wonder how many Calories are in a beer? Haha.
Ashley & I will probably sit, & drink beer until the boys are done with practicing, then all go to bed.
Bah. I'm going to go for a walk.

Saw Adam DJ for the first time, he was pretty good, but one side of the speakers went out for a bit, which was super lame.
Popscene is super fun, indie rock clubs for the win.
Klaxxos is really good live, so is Apartment.
I fucking hate Amy Winehouse, or whatever the fuck her name is.
The stupid rehab song, i hate it.
Peter Bjorn, & John are playing at popscene on the 13th & 14th.
Jimmy from Postal Service DJed last week when I went, fantastic set.
Two weeks until the boys play live, should be interesting.

Victor bought us tickets for Live 105, BFD concert. I'm excited.
Bloc Party. Interpol. The Faint. Shiny Toy Guns. Tiger Army. Social Distortion. :]

I found out my friend is starting to apprentice at Alley Cat's Tattoos in Chico. He's pretty good.
I'm getting my second tattoo today. Then hiting up Club 21, gay night. I'm pretty stoked.

Smoking has been irritating my throat lately..I hate it.

I've been having amazing sex over the past few days..


Hum...

"I'm coming to pick you up." read the randomlly sent text.
I called "Are you sure you sent that to the right person?"
"Yes. You have 20 minutes, get ready."
Threw on some jeans, boots, black beater, black long sleeve over shirt, eyeliner, threw my hair back, grabbed my overcoat, & sweatshirt. It was like some fucked up scene from a movie.
We still have perfect timing.
kasi, vance, kiel, anthony, all ready for dennys.
After hours, we decide to leave.
An asshole pushes anthony, trying to start shit.
The person who's been in the army for four years, he was dead silent.
The asshole started more shit when Kasi got in his face.
"Haha, look at those big ol' titties."
I love Robin..."Dude..She's suppposed to have titties.."
I'm not sure if people relieze something, the girls of the group are the first to react, and the first people to end the shit strangers start.
He's lucky sarah or jess weren't out there.
I was waiting for him to touch Kasi, he'd be floored.
Literally.
People are fucking stupid.

I really should shower. I haven't showered for days, but whatever. I don't care.
My Mum left for Santa Cruz today to help her boyfriend move his stuff up here to Sacramento.
She'll be back sometime, Saturday morning I think.
I'm arguing with this girl, about bringing tattooing shit onto airplanes.
About how her cousin does it all the time.
Which doesn't really seem too easy, or anything else..since..they don't like hairspray on airplanes.
I don't know this girl is irriating.
Blah.
I have to vaccumm up the gross carpet powder shit, over dog vomit.
Yum.
Victor is still in Fairfield working.
I hate his work.

I slacked on this diet thing, and by diet I mean massive cut backs.
I can't do it until I start working again.
My parents are far too nosey.

So far;
Apple sauce.
Water.
Orange soda.

It's only 6pm.
Bah.

I thought working 7 days in a row sucks.
10 days in a row sucks even more than that.
I had fire engine red hair.
Now, It's brown.
Victor's birthday was today.
We got entirely too drunk with Adam & Ashley.
I'm currently waiting to take my second pill in the morning after pill series.
I have a headache.
I'm enrolled in community college.
I got my permit.

I need sleep.


Suckkk it down.

Eugh.
Working far too much.
My days off are too spread out.
I got my tattoo.
Key to Hell, sandman comics.
Makes me happy.
"There must be a Hell. There must be a place for the demons; a place for the damned. Hell is Heaven's reflection. It is Heaven's shadow. They define each other. Reward and Punishment; hope and despair. There must be a Hell, for without Hell, Heaven has no meaning."
( Tattoo + 300 drinking night. )

2 hour drive to see a band is never that band when they're completely worth it.
Saint Patty's day at a concert in San Fransisco, it was fantastic.
Dancing with his arms around my waist, listening to him singing along.
Kissing randomlly, and me secretly staring at his ex girlfriend out of the corner of my eye.
Vacaville is a weird town.
I'm glad I don't have to go back anytime soon.
Victor misses it.
Staying a day there made me miss Sacramento.
It was a painful, stinging feeling too.
i can never leave Sacramento.
i think i am damned.
- - -
Driving back from the city at midnight, listening to Bloc party, chain smoking, and holding hands.
i was really, really content.
And it scared me.
It scared me to my fucking core.
I don't like that feeling.
- - - -

Want to know something completely fucking hilariously ironic?

This is so far the healthist relationship I've been in.
He could snap any moment, and have another break down.
And get admitted into Kaiser for mental health.
I haven't feared anything in a while.
It's not him breaking down, and being crazy.
I'd be losing those midnight drives.
And this connect.
What the fuck.
I'm going soft.

I'm not sure where I left off.
I'm never really home much lately.
Victor's apartment is where I spend alot of my time.
Damien had his good bye party.
Victor is a genuinely good person.
He admits his flaws, which suprises me.

I bleached out parts of my hair. It ups my rockabilly cred.

Miguel has gone off the deep end, & made hints towards our past sex life at Club Trauma tonight.
Awkward.

Trauma had Freezepop play tonight.

They were fantastic.

They played Plastic Starts, & I was serverly happy about that.

Tomorrow is Jew/Nazi birthday. The Heeb turns 22, & German turns 25.
I'm not going. Kiel is an asshole, & I spent far too much time rekindling a friendship.
I'll tell Justin Happy Birthday.

Sunday I'm staying at Victor's...Weeeeee!

Bloc Party in a week. :]

I got my bed back.
Kasi picked up her stuff.
I miss kasi.
Met a boy.
He's amazing.
Going out to Trauma with him tonight.
He makes music. He plays guitar & sings. He's played guitar for me. He has a really good job. He makes me smile. We have sex. We hang out. We dance. We cuddle. We watch movies. We chainsmoke & drive around towns.
I'm waiting for him right now to pick me up..

Last night was AFI. <333.

I'm waiting for the hot water heater to finish being set up, so I can finally shower.
I'm supposed to be leaving for the airport with Jewwie, & Jocelyn to pick Kasi up in the next two hours.
Her flight comes in at 5, it's 2:17 right now.
Hum.
I need to find 20$ before I leave my house today too..

This is what I look like, in case you've ever been curious.

I danced too much. My legs hurt. I have to work at 1pm tomorrow, & then clean up my & kasi's bedroom for when she moves back to sacramento.
Victor was an amazing dancing buddy until he told me he was crazy. Turn off.
Then again.
I did go into the bathroom, & slashed up my legs.
Who am I to judge.

Mmmm..Xander's house was fun. I'm completely addicted to heroes. It's amazing.
Friday night I went out with a girl who I walked with during graduation, Bri. She's really awesome. Everyone thinks we're a couple. Granted, I'm pansexual, & she's a lesbian, we're just not interested in each other like that. Kind of awkward. We went to In & Out Burger, than to Aladin's Hookah Bar & Cafe, & talked with the owner like we used to do when we went there months ago. After wards I bought us hot chocolate, we were planning on going to Second Saturday in downtown Sacramento, but I ended up taking care of my mom for a bit on Saturday.
But, went out with Brit later on, & grabbed dinner at Chipotle, then some coffee, Kiel met up with us & I gave him a few cigarettes to relieve his stress. Ex boyfriends are strange beings.
Afterwards we went to Dan's apartment, & Bri ended up meeting us up over there to see Lance, it was pretty fun. Garet tried wrestling me to point the lazer pointer in my eyes, definately just threw him around like a rag doll. Haha.
Amber is starting a fight with Kiel she doesn't want to get into. They were texting, & she got upset, & called him saying he was worthless, & all this other nonsense, then said "Have fun with your Scarlet Queen." and hung up. He called back, they got into it again, she hung up, he called back, Jen answered, and Kiel called her a dumb cunt, & talked to Amber, she kept bringing up Scarlet, & all this other stuff with Kiel & myself.
When Kiel and I first started dating he wrote me a poem, & in it called me his Scarlet Queen. My nickname since then has always been Scarlet. He doesn't care if I keep it, because I'm always going to be his scarlet, & he's always going to be my Alexia, no matter what.
Amber basically needs to get a straw & suck it the fuck up.
Bah.
Tonight is Asylum. I'm going with Kiel to hopefully put him in a better mood, & meeting up with Brit, Nakita, JQ, Dan, & all the other boys. Wooo. ^_^

Death Guild was beyond awesome, like usual. I fueled drama between Xander, & Kiel, but kept them at different parts of the club.
I love going to San Francisco, especially right when you start getting to Bencia, & all the hills, & the lights, & the ocean, it's just really, really nice to be able to see that. It looks absolutely gorgeous watching it all at night.
Skinny Puppy CD release was around opening, which I completely missed, but that's okay because I wasn't really too interested in getting free CD's & posters.
I met Davis kids, Chelsea, Kyle, Jenny, Jessica, & ...I don't remember his name.
They're total dolls, & oh so adorable.
I dyed over my already fading red dye last night with Nuclear Red by Special Effects. I'm in love with it, but my work hates it. I'm keeping it. I don't care.
My hands are stained pink because I didn't have any gloves, & I used all the rubbing alcohol I had to unstain my tub pink.
My hips hurt from sharing the couch with Kiel on Monday night, I like cuddling but the couch was too small, & I forgot how much we sleep like each other to actually remain comfortable for more than 1 hour. It was still nice not having to sleep alone.
We drove around, & cash my check yesterday, & then I bought us lunch.
& then his girlfriend showed up, & he walked with her for a bit, & she never made eye contact with me. Whatever.
I'm almost out of cigarettes, & I'm staying in Davis with Xander tonight.
But, He doesn't smoke, so I rarely smoke around his apartment, there's just a bunch of college kids, turning up their noses running in & out of their apartments everytime I try to catch a few drags.
Whatever. I'm used to people turning up their nose at me.
Work was lame. But I did talk to a cool ass old man for about 10 minutes about how I see really responsible, & older than what I am, & he said for being so bitter I actually have a good grasp on Customer Service, he also said that dispite having purple/red/black hair, & facial piercings, I am a completely awesome kid. It made me happy.
I'm just a little upset that I didn't know waht movie he was talking about, & that we didn't have Lakoda Woman that he's been looking for.
So, to make up for disapointment, I went & had a cigarette.

For every reason not be here, I can of two.

Waiting for Kiel to pick me up, my jewbunny, my old world, my old Alexia, my old everything, the one who completed me almost a year ago, the one who knows that he still does..
Everyone needs a ScarletQueen, a part of me will always be his.
Glas Kat = DeathGuild.
I'm so happy.
Happy. Hopefully the men who tried dancing wth me months ago will be there this time, and I'll have some kind of reassurance that I'm beautiful.
I have no eyebrows on right now..Mmm..

I got a myspace message this morning; "Do you play with couples?"
I was aware that I played with anyone.
I'm hoping to make it out to Death Guild tonight.
I love San Fransicso, I love driving there, err..car rides to SF.
Kiel is a really good person to go with on two hour long adventures.
I don't know if he knows where Glas Kat is, either way I'm sure Becca & I can help him find it.
I didn't stay at Barcode/Asylum last night, Carl had to work at 1am, so I missed most of the best songs by leaving early, but that's fine. I got to dance to the German songs, & the circle song..where some creepy man tried spinning me around him & back into his arms, & I fell for it, then freaked out. I think Ben reliezed I was frantic when I started clawing around for his hand to pull me back to the circle.
My getting hit on by guys kind of exploded & then got blocked last night by Morgan, because I spent most of the night kissing her, & being held by her. Fuck everyone else. She's my new booty call. Haha, no but seriously, she is.
Today is going to be kind of hectic.
I have to leave for work in 18minutes, I work for 6 hours, I need to cash my pay check, shower, get dressed, get down to the apartment, & get ready. We can do it in 2 hours.
I think.

I did infact decide to put an extremely unattractive picture of myself in my profile.
Why?
It's more honest. I guess.
I shouldn't be so into a thirty year old.
Then again in all reality, I don't really know if I'm all that into him.
He does give really good head, though.
I think I just like the feeling of having someone completely under my control.
While typing online tonight, I kept mentioning that since I've been home, & wearing PJ pants for three days, I haven't been wearing any panties.
I knew it would get him all hot, & bothered, & he can only masturbate because he's being completely monogomous to me, even though we're not together.
So, he said he'd be back, but he had to go take a shower.
I really am a terrible person.
- - - -
Kasi's flight comes in Feb. 15th, at 5:45pm.
I'm going with Kiel [ Jewbunny] to go pick her up.
Then we're fusing into one person, & sharing every inch of my house until the 23rd.
Including my twin sized bed.

Xander has again, blown me off.
I'm not sure why I'm even putting up with the constant rejection. Probably because he's one of the first people I've been attracted to that I spent the night with, & didn't have sex with. Granted, we kissed, fooled around the next morning, & left hickeys all over each other. But, we didn't have sex, that's strange for me. I'm not at all meaning to sound slutty, but it's really strange. I also just don't sleep next to someone else unless I'm willing to get emotionally attached to them. I don't really think in this case it was completely willing to get attached to, it just kind of happened that way.
It just seemed too comfortable, & too right for me to even question what I was doing over there. Waking up, & kissing him, trying to get away to grab a glass of water, & him pulling me back up against him, & wrapping his arms around me, kissing me, then telling me he'll get me water later, I give up, & go back to sleep. We wake up hours later, & he find Dane Cook on Youtube, & lays on my legs, laughing uncontrollably for a good 2 hours, kisses happening every so often, before both our short attention spans kick in, & we start making out, & letting our legs intertwine.
I think I'm so attracted because I have to chase him. I'm not used to chasing. I'm not used to someone being completely honest with me, & letting me know they do like me, but just want to have a little fun for the time being. I'm not used to that. I think I'll do what Ben suggested, & be his friend, make him make the next move.